I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
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horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]
I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paperand cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliancesforgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.