*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”
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Breaking news:
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”
– probiotic
“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”
– amateur biotic
Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
Tuesday
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
Dog: [with a ball] throw this
Human: ok
Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth
Human: what
She was REALLY feeling it.
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]