They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
You Might Also Like
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk
Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*
Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..