An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
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Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
Hell yeah 👍
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
everyone has that one prude friend
I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun
ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
“I SWEAR TO GOD, SANTA WILL FLING HIMSELF OVER THIS HOUSE LIKE A SPEED BUMP IF YOU DON’T STOP FIGHTING.”
— Advent door 21