Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
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Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.
Sorry I made promises on Friday
[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*