Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
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A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
was in a meeting that ran over by about 20 minutes and the presenter was not even close to being finished
until a very exasperated nigerian colleague unmuted herself to announce loudly “i am very unhappy with you, barry”
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.