How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
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a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it
[a light glows in the corner]
ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.