I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
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[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
[Murderer chasing me]
Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET
Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me
Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman