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Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]
Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.
Girl- You mean a condom?
Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.
[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
911: What’s your emergency?
THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE
911: Barista?
IT’S A GUY. BARISTO
911: No, it’s still-
Nm he’s dead now
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants
me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!