Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
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going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
Nonwriters: How do you write a book?
Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again
Nonwriters: Then you’re done?
Writers: Then you start the next paragraph
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.