After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.
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[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”
when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on
she really is living her best life
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.