the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
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They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.
His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack