I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
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I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M: I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be