I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
You Might Also Like
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?
*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not
I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.