a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
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I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”
So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
canadian assassins are called killergrams
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: what shall we worship?
EGYPTIAN KING: cats
2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”