Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
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Always 🥴
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.
“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”
*pulls the plug*
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this