[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
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Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.
Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”