interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
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I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
This took me a second..
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
I’m so full I could puke a horse
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now