The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
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I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
I believe the plural is “milves.”
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold
*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.