“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
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Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?
me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.
Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week
Go hard or stay average
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager
A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?
Obama: Well, I’ve alw–
Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?
Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.