[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
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My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
wow he looks just like him
I need to get some bricks…
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair