I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
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My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows:
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered
Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies