No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
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Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
14: How do you feel about people of color?
Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.
17: But you hate everyone.
14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.
Me: Please shut up.
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
Cashier: What does your tattoo say?
Me: It doesn’t talk.
Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?
Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.
Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.
a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.
welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…