british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
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My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.