INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
You Might Also Like
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.