Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
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I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
[phobia support group]
host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.
me: [tearing up]
host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?
me: tsunamis
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted
Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!