A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
You Might Also Like
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi