“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
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What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
Lassie, get help!