I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
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Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
Friend: so drinks later?
Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.
Friend: after 5?
Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.
Friend: uh..k?
-LATER-
Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
whenever i wake up before my alarm
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]
“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.