I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
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the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING
“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.