My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
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[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]
me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles