When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
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The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
Tree: so how do I eat?
God: you just absorb sunlight and-
Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!
God: well not exactly-
Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ
God:
Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.
reviewed some movies recently
Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell