Me: “Do you have any songs you’re really hoping to learn in piano lessons?”
7 yo boy, dead serious: “Well my main goal for being here is really to learn The Muffin Man.”
You got it, brother. 🫡
You Might Also Like
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
So glad we cleared that up
“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉
Them: …many, many laws.
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.
What
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.