Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
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Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party
Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
u spoke cat all this time??????
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
Had an epiphany today.
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]
Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?
7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.