Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
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Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
*power walks to the refrigerator*
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎