A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
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Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
Any refunds available?…
[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:
Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?
15: good
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.
“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner