Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
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Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.
Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok
The downside of being raised in the wild by wolves is that after you’ve grown up and left the wild, and you’re living in Shoreditch, they come to visit and you take them to your local vegan restaurant and they embarrass you by trying to order lamb.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
My right ear is so swollen from poison ivy that I can barely hear the kids fighting and yelling so [vigorously rubs poison ivy leaves inside left ear]
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are