*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
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I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
Big Sex has us all fooled
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
If looks could kill
Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.