Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
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*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?
Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?
HR: What?
Me: You can fix that right here, right now
💯😂
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
My dog and I have the same schedule:
6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.