This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
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Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heartMy date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP
I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
Ooh I do like a good funnel
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.