I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
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When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!