Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
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Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me
Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine
*raises glass, winks*
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.