Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
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11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
Me: digging up to the surface for a bit
Worm Wife: why
Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you
Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…
Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂
Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else