I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
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No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
dads on road-trips be like
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”
Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?