guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
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Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
Interviewer: what makes you stand out?
Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.
Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?
Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
I only eat vegetarians.
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.
Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger