I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
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Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞