Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
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[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
I am a person who wants to do a lot of things trapped in the body of a person who wants to sleep a lot.
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”