Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
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Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
*opens Advil*
*takes Advil*
*closes Advil*
*looks at husband*
“Sorry, where are my manners? You want some?”
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.
[gets frozen in carbonite]
[two years pass]
[gets unfrozen]
Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”
me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays