villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
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whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
[At Justice League headquarters]
Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?
Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]
The Flash: [runs to the ATM]
Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]
Batman: WTF dude
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
My friend is an excellent librarian.
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work