Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
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My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”